One of my favorite forms of self-obsessed, preachy blogging is the list. Fifteen things a stranger learned about something somewhere that will be beneficial to you because they lived through it and you’re reading it. They are my favorite kind backdoor brags and underhanded advice.
Who the hell is this person to tell me the twenty-five things I need to know to survive college? Law school? Love? The real world? What makes them anymore informed than I am? I’m clever. I learned things from life! Sometimes I do stuff and people say things about it. That must mean I’m an expert.
So I’ve complied a list of things I’ve learned (or just remembered) in the past five weeks that you probably already know because it’s all common sense but will still be impressed by because of the way it’s written and ordered.
EIGHT THINGS EVERYONE PROBABLY ALREADY KNOWS:
- If you expect anyone to listen to your bullshit problems then you better be ready when that person comes to you with something earth shattering and equally mundane as anything you ever needed to complain about. Your problems are not the most important thing in the world. The homeless, the sick, the hungry, and the homosexual — Their problems are the most important thing in the world right now. So unless you fall into one of those categories you better expect to put up with all of your friend’s first world problems they way we put up with yours.
- The permanent record we used to mock as children has come back in full force. Everything you do on the internet is stuck with you for the rest of your life. In forty years someone will remember the hateful things you’ve written on the web. Chances are they will probably even have a copy of it. I’m ready to walk into a job interview and for my potential boss to hand me this list and say, “You know Jonothon, I don’t really agree with number five.” Am I prepared to handle that? Yes. Will you be prepared to defend your ridiculous political views and hateful, bigoted opinions? For your sake I sure hope so.
- If there is anything movies like Mean Girls or television shows like Pretty Little Liars and Gossip Girl have taught us it’s that no one keeps secrets anymore. This is the society we live in. You can live update your life via the web. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. Information is available to everyone at all times even if it’s only meant for a few. Moral of the story? Don’t write hateful things in a burn book, make sure the people you accidentally kill are really dead, and be wary of an internet gossip who writes things about you and your affluent friends …Or just be careful of what you tell certain people.
- The short attention span runs our society with an iron fist. Commercials are mere seconds long. We confine our lives to short updates of 140 characters or less. We’ve even taken the movie and television show and shortened it to “Webisodes” to hold our attention. But this idea is the most evident in the alliances we form. Not even our closest friends can keep our interest. We become bored so easily that we are forced to move on to someone new and more exciting. Forget the people who’ve had your back. Forget those who stood up for you when you needed it. The guy you just met last week is clearly the most important person in your circle of friends. Right? Maybe not. But the The people who had your back yesterday may not have your back today. Always be cognizant of who your true friends are.
- The homosexuals fight for equality has convinced everyone they are experts on the gay community. Everyone flaunts their gaydar like they got it half-off at Tiffany’s. If you’re struggling with your sexuality and you think people don’t already know you’re gay then you are sadly mistaken. Someone knows. People are talking about it. And I promise no one is surprised. We’re all sitting around waiting for you to come to terms with it so we can support you, take you shopping, and get you laid. I swear.
- As you grow older you may think you’ve outgrown certain things or activities. You haven’t. You simply appreciate them from a different perspective. You’ll always look at the people older than you are with admiration and you’ll always look at those younger than you with contempt. I like to think this feeling follows us for our entire life.
- There are people who will throw you under the bus every chance you get. If someone heard you say it or saw you do it they are going to damn well ensure you get blamed for it whether they are your friend or your enemy. Adding negative or judgmental comments to a conversation about a specific person is just as bad as starting the conversation itself. Stay out of gossip. It will come back to haunt you. Drama is to an undergrad what useless crap is to a hoarder: Something that may seem important at the time, but really turns out to be just another piece of clutter that leaves little room for anything else.
- “We should not be eating all we can eat. We’re not bears.” – Ellen Degeneres