…About Frat Boy Rejection

The Sigma Pi and Phi Kappa Sigma fraternities have a water fight on the UCLA (University of California at Los Angeles) campus, Los Angeles, California, April 3, 1957. | Gene Lester/Getty Images

You know what most frat humor websites are missing? A gay perspective. Look, I get it. There was a time when being openly homosexual in the Greek community was unheard of. But they realize it’s 2012, right? As long as you’re not having dinner with the Bachmann’s or listening to a small child serenade you with songs about the LGBT community’s inability to get into heaven then I’m pretty sure it’s okay to at least be cordial.

Hell, we’ve even seen a new breed of homosexual classified as the “bromo” emerge over the past year. (It’s bro plus homo. Pretty self-explanatory. Even a frat boy could figure it out). I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but it’s pretty normal to see gay guys in a frat.

A couple of days ago I inquired about the possibility of a gay guy in a specific chapter on campus. The person I asked laughed and exclaimed, “They pride themselves on the fact they don’t have any.”

Silly boys. They’re just begging to walk in on a dude banging out with another dude in their chapter room, aren’t they?

In lieu of that I wrote a satirical column for one of these sites about being a gay frat boy. Something that a homophobe could read, think was serious, and say, “He does have a point.” Or something anyone else could read and think, “We clearly already know this.”

They rejected it.

So here it is in its entirety. I should warn you I use the word “faggot” a lot. Sorry?

Enjoy!

No Homo, Bro: We’re Here, We’re Queer, and We’re Lurking Among You 

It’s pride month! Bet you didn’t know that blacks weren’t the only minority with a month all to themselves. That’s right! Gays across the country are just fucking swishing it up and this may even include some of your brothers. Now being a gay man in a fraternity has been met with harsh criticism since well… forever. What with naked hazing and constant homoeroticism how did anyone ever expect us sneaky faggots to fall through the cracks?!

Despite popular belief every fraternity is equipped with its own homosexual. Even you, KA; but I digress. Robert E. Lee and cannons aside I know that many of you will take the comments section and demand that you’d never let a queer in amongst your brotherhood. You’ll swear up and down that faggots don’t belong in your house and if you found out there was one you’d kill ’em… or maybe just ball him. I don’t know your wily ways.

Well look at it this way. Don’t believe me? Let’s do the math. Every house comes stocked with anywhere from thirty to a hundred guys. Current statistics say somewhere around one in every ten men is a queer. So that means whether you believe it or not every house has one. The odds are stacked against you. Jesus Fucking Christ! Based on that ratio you might even have two!

Calm down! Don’t start gathering your lynching equipment just yet. The witch hunt can wait.

What the average pussy pounding frat guy doesn’t realize is that your one gay brother can be more help to you than you ever imagined. Take chicks for example. Name a few things chicks love: Lily Pulitzer, their daddy, terrible television, making sandwiches (I’m literally basing these answers off sorority stereotypes. I know nothing about chicks), and gay dudes. It’s a common known thing. Hot chicks love gay dudes. So while you’re busy fratting hard and priding yourself on the lack of faggots in your house, guy likes me are starting purely platonic friendships with the hottest girls on the row. Friendships that include boob fondling, making out drunk in bars, occasionally seeing them in their underwear, and trying to help YOU get YOUR dick wet. Why? Because we’re good brothers.

Deny it all you want, but it’s the homosexuals that keep your house in business.

Don’t let common misconceptions fool you. We don’t want to sleep with you, we’re not gonna hit on you, we don’t want to see you naked, and you’re not gonna catch the gay if you’ve got us around. Most of the time we’re too busy trying to sleep with the closeted faggots in other houses for the blackmail material in the off-chance we were ever forced to use it.

Just let us do our thing and I promise you’ll reap the benefits. What’s really so wrong with having one or two guys around who want absolutely nothing to do with the endless flow of pussy they’re bringing in? Oh. That’s right. Nothing! More pussy for you!

Also, don’t be afraid to call us a faggot. As long as you aren’t saying it maliciously who the fuck cares what you say? Words are words and any faggot getting butthurt over it deserves whatever they’ve got coming. All we ask is that in honor of pride month you don’t be a faggot. Remember we’re only here to help. (And occasionally fondle your girlfriend’s boobs when she’s drunk)

They were probably too busy with impromptu elephant walks to notice it. What a shame. I still love them though.

Acceptance is a long hard journey. Oh well. Someday.