…About Online Dating.

I’m not a huge proponent of online dating. In fact, I’m pretty sure dating was easier before the internet got involved. When it comes to dating the internet reminds me of that one friend who’s a serial dater. You know… nosy, fat, low self-esteem. Thinks by setting you up with just about anyone that they’ve done their part as a friend and are immune to any complaints you have about being single.

Sorry, friend. It doesn’t work that way.

Would you hold it against me…. if I met my husband on the internet? Even Britney is in on the online dating grind. | Britney Spears – “Hold It Against Me” : Dir: Jonas Akerlund

Sites like Match.com, JDate, PlentyofFish, and okCupid were created just to capitalize on the crippling loneliness of being one in seven billion.  So you can imagine how proud I am to say that every serious relationship I’ve had began by conventional means. Through work, friends, or school. Obviously it never worked out.

You can only deny something for so long before eventually you have to at least give it a little try. Just ask Eve, am I right? Online dating is my forbidden fruit. Once you’re in there’s no going back and while absolutely no good can come of it how will I know if I don’t give it a shot?

Besides as a gay man I’d rather say I met my partner online than in a sleazy nightclub or bar.

I signed up through okCupid. Now I’m an amateur with this stuff so my profile might not be up to par with the people who’ve been doing this for a while, but I at least think that under the right circumstances it might pull in some pretty decent dick. So on that note I present my attempt at online dating:

My self-summary:
Graduate student. Law school dropout. Frat alumnus. Comedic genius — At least that’s what my business cards say.

What I’m doing with my life:
When I figure it out I promise okCupid will be the first one to know.

I’m really good at:
– Rapping (for a white boy)
– Dancing (for a white boy)
– Being a white boy

The first thing people usually notice about me:
I’m not as bad as everyone makes me out to be.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:
I’ve been known to enjoy a lot of high class kinda stuff. My general rule is if it makes me laugh, think, or sing along I’ll probably like it.

Food makes me do all those things simultaneously.

…So does porn.

The six things I could never do without:
Family, friends, a roof over my head, food in my stomach, the clothes on my back… Wait. Are we being serious? No? My answers are lame. How about I list the six male actors I could never do without?

Jake Gyllenhaal, Tom Hardy, Zachary Levi, Joe Manganiello, Darren Criss, Chris Evans (Honorable Mentions: Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth, Josh Hutcherson, and Alan Ritchson.)

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
– What I’m gonna eat next.
– Whether or not my neighbors upstairs can hear me singing smooth 90’s jams.
– Please also see the list of men in the previous question.

On a typical Friday night I am:
Drinking wine out of a box, watching Steel Magnolias, petting my menagerie of cats, and crying over the fact I got an okCupid profile. Also physically removing what little of my testicles were left after filling this out all set to the smooth sounds of Sade… LIKE A BOSS!

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:
Once during a trip to the zoo as a kid I was standing inside the viewing area when a silverback gorilla approached the protective glass near where I was standing. After a few moments he began to bang against the glass baring his teeth and screeching uncontrollably. Ever since I’ve been deathly afraid of monkeys, apes, etc. “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” sounds like one of my nightmares actualized.

Also… Publix commercials make me cry and I get a boner when I floss. (Clean teeth are erotic. Judge yourself)

You should message me if:
It’s pretty difficult to single-handedly pull together all the important stuff and leave out all my worst qualities to ensure I impress you enough so you’ll message me. I promise I’ll disappoint you later… for now a quick hello won’t hurt anything. Be careful though. I’m charming. I’ll break your heart.

Suffice it to say. I don’t get many messages. However if you like what you’ve read here today feel free to drop me a line. As long as you’re single, have a stable job, a car, no wife or kids, and no record I’m pretty sure we might be able to come to an understanding.

Get at me, boys.